We’ve all been there.  The frustration we can feel as parents and adults when a child has behavior that feels unmanageable – and just isn’t changing.

Over my 7 year journey of empowering young minds and founding Acton Academy Omaha, I’ve discovered that the transformation we desire to see around us often must first begin with our own transformation deep down inside.

In this three-part series, I’m excited to share three tools that have helped transform the way I engage with children.  I hope my story and experience will empower you to create more peace and alignment in your family relationships too.  After all, these tools go far beyond parenting advice – they are valuable for all relationships.

I poured the medicine to 10 mL and set it on the counter, inviting our 7 year old son to take it.  All he could do was cry.  Tears turned to anger as he refused to take the medicine.  “Swallow it fast?  Take it with water?  Read a book when we are done?”  I tried all of the ideas I could think of and offered as much empathy as I could muster.  Nothing was working.  We set limits – “You can go with daddy to the store once you are done with your medicine.”  He missed the time to leave and stayed home.  

Finally, my husband suggested watching a video with him about the consequences of an untreated infection.  As our son learned from the doctors in the video about his condition and the importance of treatment, his tears turned to sad resolve.  He began taking small sips of his medicine on his own.  He suggested, “Let’s make a chart,” so we grabbed construction paper and crayons.  As he colored in cups for each completed dose and counted down the days remaining, his heart finally felt empowered and free.

Here’s a crucial insight:  A child’s behavior often reflects their current perception of a situation.

As nurturing parents, our job is to dig deeper with our hand trowel of curiosity, vulnerability and human connection.  Gently with love, unearth the soil and bring in oxygen and refreshment.  We strive to understand and acknowledge how the situation is appearing to them.  Is the child feeling confused?  Not understanding the importance of something?  Feeling controlled?  Insecure?  Unloved?  Unmotivated without purpose?  Then, we find solutions to meet these needs.  This might involve sharing our own struggles, apologizing, or setting loving limits. Above all, we show our child they aren’t alone and that we will sit with them in the discomfort of challenging moments.  Emotion coaching like this demonstrates that they are fully loved –  even here.

As we dig deeper and understand our child’s perspective, and as they feel seen and cared for, the way the situation is occurring to them in that moment begins to shift.  Trust is built, worthiness emerges, and the courage to grow springs up.  

New behaviors emerge – not from quick-fixes, but from deep within.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the third tool – cultivating a vision for something new.

In the meantime, here are a few new parenting book recommendations that have influenced me as a mom and as a leader.  I’d love to hear your takeaways.

• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
• The Three Laws of Performance by Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan
• The Power of TED by David Emerald

See you tomorrow,

Rachel